Part 2: Curing Greg and Ray’s Intergalactic Blue Balls Space Funk, Or How I Learned to Stop Hating Loyalty Quests and Love the Bomb

 

   
 

You don’t have to be a board-certified proctologist like Ray Muyzka to know that SHIT CHANGES, MAN. Por exemplo, there I was, fuming and frustrated over all the varied and sundry ways Bioware chose to work MASS EFFECT 2 over like a two-bit junkie informant. But then…something happened. Something wonderful.

 

I MANNED UP, STOPPED BEING A PUSSWIMP IN A CANADIAN SPACE HELMET, AND GOT WITH THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ PROGRAM. WITNESS. Also, Augie came through with his promised shipment of Columbian flake, that worthless sack of time-traveling drug-addled shit.

I’ll come clean now and do you all dirty later: ze patches were good juju, B’wana. Weird how the notes for 1.02 fail to mention that they made the mining scan reticule larger and the planets smaller to facilitate easier mining. HOORAY, BORING THINGS MADE SLIGHTLY LESS BORING. PUT ON YOUR SHORT SHORTS WITH “PROGRESS” STENCILED ACROSS THE ASS AND DO A DIRTY GRIND. Hahaha, man I cannot tell you how relieved I am that I did not suffer this événement malheureux that 1.01 fixed:

 

Fixed an issue where pressing F9 after the mission completion screen reset Shepard to Level 1

 

Quel dommage! I am fairly certain that had that happened to me my face would have exploded like a block of Semtex dropped in the only functioning Port-a-potty at a midsummer hot dog and pizza-eating competition. Now I’m hungry…

 

FOR A RAY AND GREG SANDWICH! AW YEAH, I BROUGHT THE MAYO, A HEH HEH HEH HEHHHHH anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah:

 

I’M A TOTAL LOSER INTERNET JERKOFF.

   

Let’s put this into context: SCOTT JONES, I PEED IN YOUR MOJITO WHEN YOU WEREN’T LOOKING AT THIS YEAR’S E3 HA HA HA HA HA

   

OK, let’s put this into a more appropriate context: Somewhere along the way, Ol’ Ray and Greg worked dat ol’ black magic dey do so well and I found myself really gettin’ my groove on with the game. I mean, I sort of had to detach myself from the conceits and trappings – especially of the RPG/loot variety – to get there, but I got there. I came. Uh, there. I digress!

 

IT’S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT ANYWAY, INTERNET NERDS.

YEAH YOU. Reg and Gay only done whut y’all  tol’ em! You wimps whined about the complex stats from ME1 – THE COMPLEX STATS! ARE YOU PEOPLE POWER-CORD GNAWING IMBECILES – so they dialed it back to a few rinky-dink bars. You pathetically unobsessive, noncompulsive clowns whimpered about the inventory, so they threw it away. AND I GUESS SOMEONE COMPLAINED ABOUT THE MAKO SO INSTEAD WE GET OFFWORLD MINING, GOOD JOB TEAM, GOLD STAR ON YOUR BROWN STAR WHAT WHAT HEY HEY

 

I’ll say this though, the Analnomnomalies that serve as the otherwise unrelated sidequests that replaced the wacky hijinx that you got up to whilst cruising for offworld poontang NO ASH, YOU CAN’T COME ON THE AWAY TEAM; GET THE LEAD OUT WREX, GARRUS CALLED SHOTGUN were pretty good and certainly more varied than the at-time embarrassingly repetitive stuff in ME1. I liked fiddlyfucking around on some wacky wrecked spaceship teeter-tottering over a yawning chasm. I dug rerouting power lines to giant shield arrays and shit. They also held off from drowning you in mazes like they did in ME1. HA HA, MAZES. WHERE’S THE MINOTAUR GREG, YOU ASSHOLE. YOU LOST THAT LICENSE, REMEMBER? PHILIP ATHANS TOLD ME TO TELL YOU TO LICK HIS +10 BALLSACK OF INFINITE MONEY HATS. AND TO READ HIS NOVELIZATION OF BALDUR’S GATE. Ohhhh, now I’m all wound up.

 

And yeah, it’s kind of cliché to fawn over graphics, because hardcore RPG players aren’t allowed to like crisp graphics and all that, but man Bioware dropped some phunky phresh lines up on my monitor. WHAT A BREATH-TAKING VISTA, AND FOR ONCE I AM NOT REFERRING TO MIRANDA’S ASS.

Also, combat is where it’s at. Yeah, the Loyalty Quests – which are what the game is really about, funny that they are not referred as “Parts of the Main Quest” – are the meat of the story, but the super happy funtimes come from STRAIGHT TOMBSTONING MOTHERSQUEEZERS.

 

HA HA HA, BEWM HEADSHOT. WE ALL GOT IT COMING, KID. God dammit I love it when games make you feel like you put on your big pants. The boss battles in MASS EFFECT 2 do you like that. Take the Kasumi DLC quest for instance. The first part of it is kinda fun in a really dumb stupid dumb gay adventure game way but it’s a nice change of pace, a curious mélange of spy intrigue, heist flick, and action hero derring-do. DERRING-DO, NOT DARING-DO, YOU FUCKIN IDIOTS. Anyway, the two best parts for me was when I STOOD IN FRONT OF A FUCKING GLASS WINDOW UNABLE TO ADVANCE BECAUSE I WAS TOO STUPID TO SHOOT IT OUT. Hey man, when’s the last time you shot out a window in a Mass Effect game and defenestrated yourself? INDEED.

 

The other best part was the end, where the boss jerk was, whatever, trying to kill me in his space helicopter while his henchman softened me up BUT HENCHMEN MAKE ME HARD, SO FUCK YOU BLOFELD. I was farting around with one of the terrible heavy weapons the game sneaks by on you so you won’t use the goddamned rocket launcher like a proper nihilist and then I said Fuck it, I got the primo shnypah rifle and blew his ass all over the deck with one shot. YEAH I’M BRAGGIN’, WHAT. It just felt goooood, baby. Shootin’ shit in ME1 was weak; it was, you know, RPG-like, which as we know is game-speak for LIMP AS A DEAD DONKEY’S DICK. As an aside, I love entering an area and seeing several crates of heavy weapon ammo and med-packs. OH WELL GAWRSH, I DO WONDER WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT. I’m going to make you part of the weather system and then listen to Kasumi spout inanities on the Normandy while I get blind drunk, that’s what.

 

The best parts of Thane's Loyalty Quest is when he beatboxes

Back to the Loyalty Quests: most of them were pretty good stuff. I mean, I’d rather wrap up most of a character’s arc in one big steaming flyblown obvious pile of quest. It sure beats chatting them up on the Normandy between missions like the weenie from Accounting who pounces on you in the breakroom because you were weak and wondered if the snack dispenser had any chocolate Pop-Tarts left. I still break out in a rash YES, ON MY PENIS AND BALLS when I think about the hoops you had to jump through in KotOR2 to bring an NPC’s Influence up. Yeech. I’ll take this any day ALTHOUGH SOME SHIT HITS THE FAN AT ONE POINT AND YO ASS BETTAH HAVE MAXED PARAGRADE OR RENEGON BY THEN.

So you got your hooks in me again, guys. It took a little longer this time, but even a bad dinner can be foreplay if you’re horny enough, am I right? Of course I’m right. Speaking of which:

 

   

NEXT: BILL PROVES NEWTON’S FIRST LAW BY FUCKING ANYTHING THAT MOVES