Part 3: I GOT THREE WORDS FOR YOU:

 

AW YISS, TALI.

Motherfucker: you know. Don’t trip. And here I thought I was gonna be stuck with Miranda. You know the problem here. Miranda is too easy. Miranda is not remotely dysfunctional enough. YEAH YEAH BLAH BLAH I WAS A TEENAGED EUGENICS EXPERIMENT etc. BOR-RING. Who gives a rip about any of that nonsense? SORRY SWEETUMS, I USED TO BE DEAD. I’M GONNA NEED A LITTLE MORE TO GET THE OL’ MASS GENERATOR PRIMED, IF’N Y’KNOW WHAT’M SAYIN’. THE OL’ OMEGA FOUR RELAY, THE OL’ HEAT EJECTION CLIP, THE OL’ OK I’ll stop now.

So Tali. YES. It’s like Ray is slowly lube-pumping the erect penis of my mind and Greg is tonguing its balls. BUT THEN CASEY HUDSON IS DOING A SLOW GRIND AND HE’S COVERED IN BABY OIL, OOO MAMA.

Maybe you’re asking yourself, WHO THE FUCK IS CASEY HUDSON? Well I’ll tell you Sweet Cheeks, he’s the lead designer on MASS EFFECT 2, and he’s my baby daddy. Check what this sexy bitch has been laying down:

 

In the fan art — other than Tali and wondering what she has under her mask — the romance with Garrus is probably the most reproduced moment. I think it says a lot about what really resonated with people.

 

HAVING SEX WITH WEIRDOS, MAN. THAT’S WHAT RESONATES. I should point out that C-Hud is a very normal looking dude and not a giant green floating pixilated head as that interview would lead you to believe.

 

Ooooh, you little whores, I did some sexy research and focus testing. And I did it all NUDE.

Also this graphic is allegedly his:

FUCK YES EVERYTHING IN POLISH, NOW WE’RE TALKING. Do you see? They’re gonna beef the RPG aspects back up because we all whined long and loud. That’s pretty fuckin’ sweet, you ask me. THEY CARE ABOUT MAKING A GAME WE WANT TO PLAY, WHO ARE THESE MOOKS AND WHAT HAVE THEY DONE WITH THE REAL BIOWARE. Who cares, I like the alien doppelganger version better anyway. One small but vital omission in that chart, though. PLAYABLE ELCOR AND VOLUS CHARACTERS. COME ON, QUIT SCREWING AROUND GUYS, GIVE US THE THINLY-VEILED COMPUTER NERD ARCHETYPES OF THE MASS EFFECT UNIVERSE ALREADY. Fat, wheezy, lumbering and jarringly odd in affect – tell me you don’t know a brosef just like either of those awesome races. I’d also toss in there unlimited save games or whatever. NONE OF YOUR GODDAMNED BUSINESS WHY. Ha ha ha, I once again broke the shit out of the save game system. WHAT, YOU CAN’T HANDLE 1000 SAVED GAMES? WHAT DID I BUY THIS 2 TB HARD DRIVE FOR, PORN? (Ed. Note-Yes)

And now I will PROVE USING RAW STATISTICS that MASS EFFECT 2 is a badass game. To wit:

HOLY PENIS since when does an RPG without the words “Final Fantasy” or “Warcaft” or “Diablo” do numbers close to a balls-out successful murder simulator like MW2: THEY SHOOT CIVILIANS, DON’T THEY?

 

Now for my obligatory nerd outrage over the retarded end boss. IT WAS GODDAMNED RETARDED. You guys can do better. But hey, I count my blessings. It was also PISS-ASS EASY TO KILL. I get cover? PFFT, GAME OVER. The bulk of ME2 combat is essentially an exercise in cover tactics, I GOT DIS.

FANFIC TIME! PUT ON YER ROBES AND WIZARD HATS, KIDS. Here’s the ending I would have liked to see for ME2. I’ll preface it by mentioning that Casey essentially admitted outright that they had come up with a boffo ending for ME2 but it was so killer they decided to use it for ME3. OK, that’s fine, but it better be fuckin’ good, fellas. I got a tenner that sez they think of something even better and the Too Cool For ME2 Ending gets shit-canned entirely. ALAS, ALACK. Anyway.

 

Bioware should have just gone total Second Film of the Trilogy on the ending here. Make it unconventional, who needs a laborious grindy sequence of fights and a stupid end boss? IF YOU ANSWERED “ME!” TO THAT QUESTION, THE FINAL FANTASY FRANCHISE IS THAT-A-WAY. TAKE SCOTT JONES WITH YOU, TOO (HE SMELLS). We already had one at the end of ME1 and we’re damn sure getting one for ME3, I’ve little doubt (and it better be something like The Illusive Man leading a charge of motherfuckin’ Shepard clones at you). So why have one for the ending of ME2? Who cares? Would there really be outrage? Probably, but FUCK EVERYONE ANYWAY, WHAT DO THEY KNOW. Gimme something like a legit hardcore suicide mission. I mean really, you can do the mission well enough that nobody dies? What kind of gay suicide mission results in zero friendly deaths? People are like “NO ONE HAS EVER RETURNED FROM THE OMEGA RELAY IT IS CERTAIN DEATH AND FURTHERMORE– oh wait, fuck, all of you made it back without a scratch? Boy howdy, is my face red!”

 

The potential was there, you picked mission leaders and shit and unless you were a MUSH-BRAINED IMBECILE, you probably picked the right characters per their skill set. Man, fuck that. You shoulda hadda pick the right team for each leg of the mission, and they still died but they succeeded in the mission as opposed to dying and failing the mission. Or most of them died, or some shit. JUST KILL SOME MOTHERFUCKERS, LET’S RAISE SOME STAKES HERE. Also, let’s clean a little house and make way for all the new characters that will be in ME3. UNLESS YOU ARE DYING TO SEE JACOB MATURE AS A PERSON, OR WHATEVER. It’s pretty simple, you just ask yourself, “Is this character more interesting than any random Volus or Elcor?” If the answer is no, well that character should have bought ze farm valiantly taking down Big Head Todd and the Monsters. I mean how odd and disjointed were Kaiden’s death and the Ashley’s cameo? They did knock it way the fuck out of the park with Liara though, which brings us to the final segment, a quick and dirty rundown of the ME2 DLC released to date. I shall rank them in order of something or other, fuck it let’s just do this:

 

SHADOW BROKER

This DLC is a PIMP SANDWICH BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF NINJITSU BICYCLE KICKS. You have to play it if you like care remotely about the plot of the entire series. No, it’s really that important! Also it has a mo’ bettah end boss and payoff than ME2 proper. The information you get at the end of the mission ranks among some of the best material Bioware has put into the franchise. NOT JUST THE DLC, BUT THE FRANCHISE AS A WHOLE, BROTHER/SISTER MAN/WOMAN. Finding out your teammates have issues like porn addiction and online dating ineptitude is nothing short of transcendent. Also the video of the annoying reporter from the Citadel getting pimp-slapped is worth the price of admission alone. YES I ADVOCATE THE BEATING OF WOMEN, SIGN THE PETITION TO HAVE ME STRICKEN FROM THE INTERNET.

 

OVERLORD PACK

I don’t know why they called this a Pack. It’s not a Pack! However, it is pretty entertaining and easily the longest in terms of game play time among any of the DLC currently available. The last leg of the mission is in my opinion the most engaging part of any DLC from an action perspective, paying homage in an amusing fashion to Aliens, PORTAL, and SYSTEM SHOCK. The earlier parts can be somewhat frustrating, because BIOWARE DECIDED NOT TO CODE SAVE STATES IF YOU ARE IN THE HAMMERHEAD HOVERFUCK VEHICLE, and 90% of the first 3/4 of the mission takes place with you in it. THIS FUCKIN DLC JUST MADE ME DROP SEX PANTHER STATS, GOD DAMMIT. Oh, and you aren’t just tooling over lushly rendered alien landscapes, either. More about the Hammerhead Hoverfuck Vehicle below! Giggle! Regardless, the payoff for the DLC is worth the preliminary drudgework, although Bioware never met a “Rogue VI” plotline they didn’t enjoy running into the ground (this one is easily the best however).

 

KASUMI – STOLEN MEMORY

Kasumi is a new party member whom you can recruit and of course do her obligatory Loyalty Mission contained herein. I have a feeling that opinions regarding Kasumi as well as her mission vary widely. She can come off as kind of boring since she’s pretty passive in terms of her interactions with Shepard and other characters, however her skill set is rather unique and fun to use. Likewise, her Loyalty Mission is quite adventure-gamey, but it has far more variability in how you can accomplish your mission objectives as compared to other missions in either ME2 proper or other DLC. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE SEX WITH HER, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS SHEPARD. My only real complaint was that I am an idiot and stared at a goddamned window for almost an hour before realizing I could break it and climb through. DON’T BE THAT GUY.

 

THE CERBERUS NETWORK

This DLC is like a catch-all for any free DLC Bioware decides to release. The one where you get to visit the crash site of the original Normandy sounds pretty cool, but it isn’t unless you think running around a confusing, overly large area collecting dog tags of former crew who you don’t remember (aside from the one racist asshole from the Command Center) and planting a stupid-looking monument and then fucking off forever is cool. SPOILER: IT ISN’T. Then there’s the FIREWALKER DLC, which blows high-altitude mountain goats. It is nothing but driving that fuckin’ stupid Hammerhead Hoverfuck Vehicle, which essentially feels like one of the interns at Bioware said “HEY LET’S RE-INTRODUCE THE MAKO, EXCEPT LET’S MAKE IT TEN TIMES AS ANNOYING! YEAH!” So instead of cruising along all MOON PATROL style like you did in the Mako, you clang and carom jarringly off terrain and fall off cliffs and shit like a complete idiot. HAMMERHEAD, INDEED. It’s real easy to get blown up in the fucker as well, although it has pretty awesome quasi-guided cannons with no heat threshold, ammo or range limit. This comes in handy on most encounters where you just sit back out of their fire radius and bomb them to Kingdom Come. BUT YOU KNOW GODDAMNED WELL BIOWARE PLAYTESTED THAT SHIT, SO STRAP IN FOR SOME CLOSE-RANGED ENCOUNTERS AGAINST HILARIOUS ODDS. Did I mention you cannot save ever while trapped in the Hoverfuck Vehicle? Soooo, should you play any of the DLC that uses it (OVERLORD does, alas), be prepared to replay large swaths of the game because you will get blown off the map or misjudge a jump over lava BECAUSE YES, THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED FIREWALKER DLC TAKES PLACE OVER LAVA PITS. “FIREWALKER,” GEDDIT? I hated this DLC, feel free to skip it unless you love platformy nonsense in a jittering shitbox culminating in fuck-all.

 

AEGIS/EQUALIZER/FIREPOWER/ALTERNATE APPEARANCES PACKS

You are mentally retarded and probably require home health care if you spend one single Bee Dub Point or cash dollah bill on any of this bullshit. DEAR BIOWARE: YOU ESSENTIALLY NERFED COOL GEAR IN ME2, PISS OFF. It’s all about maxed out powers anyway, skip this nonsense. UNLESS YOU’LL SIMPLY DIE IF YOU DON’T SEE THANE IN ED HARDY SUNGLASSES. Then by all means, go nuts and throw your money at Bioware, televangelists AND THAT RANCID HOBO BY YOUR OFFICE THAT SUBSISTS SOLELY ON PIGEON DROPPINGS AND BEARD SQUEEZINS IF IT THUSLY TUGS YOUR NAY-NAYS. I will throw into this mix any and all of the bonus gear you can get by buying the game from Amazon, Gamestop, Pic ‘N’ Save or where the Hell ever, because it all sucks and is utterly useless.

 

Ok now for a li’l somethin’ somethin’. LET’S ROLL THE TAPE ON BILL’S TOP TEN FAVORITE PARTS FROM ASS FX 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO:

 

1. PARRISH LEY’S FRICKIN’ SWEET PORNSTACHE/FRO/SOUL PATCH TRIPTYCH

Look at that beautiful bastard. God how does Bioware get anything done with sexmonsters like Parrish and Casey up in the hizzy? TRUE STORY if you rub a microphone over Parrish’s hair, a porn groove plays and any virgins within a 5 mile radius are spontaneously deflowered.

 

2. THE AQUARIUM IN SHEPARD’S QUARTERS

Especially the Prejek Paddle Fish, a big fat fucker that clips out of the tank and into the air in the cabin from time to time. Apparently you have to feed the fish or they die! I say that like it’s a surprise, pretty much everyone’s fish died when they played. COME ON, YOU KNOW THIS. You can buy more at the Citadel, though. Also you can have Kelly feed them for you. Speaking of Kelly Kelly Kellyyyy:

 

3. VIOLATING CONDUCT CODE 234.7 REGARDING SEXUAL FRATERNIZATION WITH SUBORDINATES, AW YEAH

Mmmm Kelly, you sweet little thang. Sup shawty. Sup gurl. What a nice li’l somethin’ somethin’ to tide a Shepard over on his way to sweet Quarian quim. What’s the point of commanding a badass supership on a suicide mission if you can’t help yourself to the help?

 

4. READER’S DIGEST CONDENSED CITADEL

You have got to appreciate just how overwhelmingly negative the response must have been for The Citadel in ME1 the way they reduced the actual explorable area to the size of a small metropolitan bus station. I liked how they showed you the more familiar sprawling cityscape from the confines of a balcony as a way of saying Yeah we heard you, jerks. It’s still there but forget about letting you whiny clowns back in.

 

5. THE REALLY COOL REWARD YOU GET FOR MAXING OUT PARAGON OR RENEGADE

Ha ha ha, not really, because you don’t get shit. Not so much as a congratulatory Ding! Nice one, Bioware.

 

6. PLANET PREYING MOUTH

‘Nuff said.

 

7. THIS FOOL RIGHT HERE

Thanks for introducing him so late in the game, Bioware. WAIT, WAIT, I THINK JACOB HAS SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY ABOUT HIS DAD. Sigh.

 

8. THE 7% OF THE GAME WHERE THE AREA MAP ACTUALLY WORKS

Man are you shitting me? I couldn’t have been the only one who just flat gave up on checking to see if the area map worked for any given area around 1/3 of the way through the game.

 

9. DATAPADS

Did the design docs for these things fall out of a wormhole from the first KotOR? Good Christ are they ugly, not to mention the size of a medium pizza box. HERE SHEP, YOU CAN BORROW MY IPHONE, NO SWEAT BRAH.

 

10. SAMARA’S FREAKY-DEAKY DAUGHTER MORINTH

AW HELL YUSSSSS why was this character not romanceable? A BIG STEAMING PILE OF BURGER-FLIPPIN BOOL CHIT, THAT’S WHY.

 

BONUS DLC ITEM: WATCHING PORN WITH LIARA

Ha ha ha, hey how’d THAT get in there! You know them blue chicks dig it, though. Because they are blue chicks in space, composed entirely of Pornium.

Well, balls. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ME3 ISN’T OUT YET? I guess I’ll do something else for awhile. TA FOR NOW.

 

 

NEXT: BILL KILLS HOBOS FOR FUN AND PROFIT