Look at this bullshit map.

IF CHAPTER 2 HAD A FACE I WOULD PISS IN IT. Oh, CDProjekt. What were you guys thinking? Granted, I do like the game and nothing will take away from that to the point I can no longer enjoy playing it, but Chapter 2 really tests my patience. Tests it, fails it, and makes it repeat the entire school year wearing a dunce cap with a little propeller on the end.

It’s utterly fitting that Chapter 2 would start with Geralt in jail and then have him dumped into a sewer. I would rather not spoil one of the two major plot threads so I will try to be as vague as I can with my kvetching. YOU KNOW, LIKE THE FUCKING CHARACTER DIALOGUE FOR THESE SHIT QUESTS.



It took me maybe halfway through Chapter 1 to realize that the game clock in THE WITCHER ticks off on the half hour, which is weird. My assumption is that it does this to allow certain quests that occur at a certain time to remain active for awhile, a shortcut perhaps. Wait, ha ha, I meant to say HALF THE FUCKING QUESTS IN THE GAME TO ALL OCCUR AT MIDNIGHT. I was a little taken aback at the end of Chapter 1 when a quest not only had to occur at midnight, the game literally sped up time so that it would occur at midnight even if I’d started it at 12:30AM (which usually resulted in all my time-sensitive buffs being nerfed), and the only thing that happens story-wise is Geralt leaving a cave. That happens once or twice in Chapter 2 as well but it’s not all that annoying. OH NO, THE VIZIMA SWAMP TRANSIT SYSTEM TAKES CARE OF THAT, ME BUCKO. ME HARDY. (MATEY)



In Chapter 2 half of the questing takes place in a section of Vizima and other half in THAT FUCKIN SWAMP. You’ve likely heard of THAT FUCKIN SWAMP, it’s the one where people who have played THE WITCHER usually ended up quitting in disgust, hence its name. Ha ha, GOSH I DON’T KNOW WHY! It’s only a nonstop festering spamhole of Drowners and Echinops and Bloodzuegers and other obnoxious shit. The northeast portion of the map – where most of the action is – has giant sections that are impassable but only the mini-map shows where those parts are, not the big map. MAPS ARE MORE FUN WHEN THEY ARE VAGUE, STOP BEING A PUSSY. Yes the map must be traversed several times, no there is no way around it. You can use a Place of Power in the middle to teleport to Vizima, but only once a day (twice if you have a certain ability). Otherwise you have a ferryman for the task, and of course, HA HA OF COURSE, he is only available on the Vizima side during the daytime. There is no way to the swamp at night, so it’s pretty easy to end up over in Vizima and be stuck farting around until sunrise until you can hitch a ride.


Look at how long that quest slider bar is.

Halfway through Chapter 2 I had literally more than thirty active quests, a significant portion of which were COMPLETE MONKEY SHIT since they didn’t really have resolutions per se. I’d explain more but that would be kind of spoilery and anyway HEY GREEN BOOBS



You have to give credit to CDProjekt for such lovingly rendered emerald-hued pubic hair. If dryad mons isn’t the mark of a quality RPG, I’d like to know what is. Oh wait, I thought of something:


The object of Witcher Dice is to lose and pretend you had a shot at winning. Fuck this game.

CHEATIN’ ASS BITCH MINIGAMES. Fuck you in your black heartless chest cavity for this shitty rancid dice game, guys. I’d rather scan every square hectare of Farthorl with a magnifying glass in MASS EFFECT than play this rigged piece of shit.



Some of THE WITCHER’s little quirks just grate on me at times. Why do I have to put my sword away to pick a fucking flower but not when I loot a corpse or eat? Why do I sometimes put my sword away for no fuckin’ reason at all despite being in hostile territory? Why does switching swords have to take so friggin’ long? Why won’t the game remember what sword and style I had the last time I had my sword drawn and insist on drawing the silver sword, fast style every God-licking mother-sniffing time? Why can’t I carry other weapons just to sell? WHY WON’T ANYONE BUY THESE STUPID DROWNER BRAINS, CHRIST I HAVE LIKE 500 OF THEM. I COULD MAKE A DROWNER BRAIN NOBY NOBY BOY AND RIDE IT STRAIGHT UP SCOTT JONES’ ASS OK Bill, calm down and breathe.


Now it's a party.

SO FOR THE LOVE OF DANGLING HAIRY THUNDER-CLAPPING TESTICLES BILL, WHY DO YOU LIKE THE WITCHER? Couple reasons. Like I mentioned, the game is sufficiently weird and off-beat enough to be compelling. Yes, Chapter 2 is a total mess but it’s also pretty funny. There’s this old asshole in the swamp who turns out to be a cannibal and I get to kill him because I felt like it. I found a weird old lady who will buy all the cheap booze I’ve been hoarding. The dryad fell for my shitty come-on lines. I accidentally started a race war! Shani is holding out on me and giving me a challenge, the little minx.


Mmmm Shani.

I’ve really gotten the hang of combat – HA HA, NOT THAT THERE’S MUCH CHOICE, MIND. The swamp is a clown car of respawning jerkoff B grade monsters with the occasional slightly tougher challenge. Of course some of them are complete bullshit like the Bloodzuegers. An unholy union of Grimace and a lamprey, Bloodzuegers explode in a ball of acid when they die. Wyverns have a poisonous tail. Most of the undead can stun. Echinops are just assholes. It can be trying but it’s sure easy to grind out some cheap levels farting around in the swamp a bit. Kalkstein, the ugliest motherfucker in Vizima, has a totem to ward off Drowners but PISS ON THAT. ¬†Also there’s a golem and anyone who’s played AD&D knows that means YOU’RE GETTING YOUR ASS BEAT LIKE THE WORLD’S UGLIEST TOM-TOM DRUM.


Kalkstein crash-landed on Planet Ugly and was instantly crowned its king

Chapter 2 has a HONKEY HORSESHIT ending, too. It goes like this: YAY URRK HAW ZAP THUD. But I learned Axii! Man I haven’t even really figured out Quen yet! Fuck it! I’m witching like nobody’s business and God help whoever gets in my way in Chapter 3 because I’M CRANKY.


Geralt inspects a mystical totem laser. I told you this game was weird.