PART 3: I AM JUST GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYTHING IF NO ONE MINDS

"I seek a boy. Is he hidden in your vagina?"

And so THE WITCHER goes. Chapter 3 begins with Geralt waking up in Triss’ bed. She teases Geralt, prancing about her in underwear while telling him to focus on the mission. HA HA, SOUND LIKE ANYONE YOU KNOW? Didn’t think so. Since half of Chapter 3 requires going back into the goddamned swamp, it’s no wonder she tries buttering Geralt up with her num nums. ALL THIS IS YOOOOOOOURS IF YOU FETCH ME 10 KINKYMORE CLAWS, GERALT. OH DID I SAY KINKYMORE, I MEANT KIKIMORE, TEE HEE.

Actually some other idiot asks for ten claws to make the worst crawdad gumbo ever, but you get m’point. So off Geralt of Rivensniffin goes, out into the new area of Vizima he has teleported to and HOLY SHIT REALLY? THE SWAMP AND FIRST PART OF VIZIMA HAS BEEN REPOPULATED WITH LOOT? I LOVE YOU CDPROJEKT, IN A TOTAL LUSTY FUCKY-FUCK WAY I MIGHT ADD.

 

I have so much useless shit in my barkeepmule storage bin. I don’t know what the fuck. I have all these painted rocks. THESE MUST BE USEFUL, THEY HAVE PAINT ON THEM. People don’t just paint rocks in fantasy videogames. They have far too much standing there and staring at you to do. I theeeeeenk they are to re-forge a sword or something. But every time I talk to a blacksmith he asks for gems. I sold all those, god dammit, WHAT ABOUT THESE FUCKING PAINTED ROCKS? He laughs at me and makes fun of the size of my penis and that settles that. I also have magic whetstones that I never, ever use because I may need every single one of them at some point. You know how that shit goes.

The new section of Vizima – the Trade District – is pretty sweet. Most of it is a giant marketplace where pretty much any type of commerce can be conducted (as opposed to the market area in the former district, which is pretty sparse). It’s nice having someone I can sell weapons and booze and anything else to in one area-HEY WHERE ARE YOU IDIOTS GOING? FUCK I HATE IT WHEN IT RAINS. Everyone scatters to hide under an awning or whatever, which is cute because people hiding under shit is cute as we all know, but all the merchants abandon their carts and it’s hard as Hell to track them down.

 

EXCUSE ME GIANT HEAD I AM TRYING TO ACCESS THE OPTIONS MENU

Also I am happy to report that I have once again completed my personal objective for every game I play: I fuck up the save game system, yo. Although THE WITCHER technically has an infinite amount of save game slots, having too many slows down the game’s ability to load and save games. There’s an app for that, though, to batch delete save games. I should fucking kill myself for typing “there’s an app for that.” I’ll commute my capital sentence until I finish this blog post at the least though, just for you Rear Deader.

 

Enough about that, I – I mean Geralt – needs to get laid. Triss invites me to a cocktail party and you know what cocktail parties mean, heh heh. Heh. So I agree ignoring the fact that crashing a cocktail party is the gayest thing I have done in an RPG since I rolled up six Jesters in BALDUR’S GATE 2.

As it turns out the cocktail party is one of the best things about THE WITCHER. Four reasons:

1. Triss’ cocktail dress. Party in front, EVEN BETTER PARTY IN THE REAR.

 

Never ask a Witcher to describe what your privates look like

2. This saucy little treat. I love this game, it just keeps throwing hot redheads at me.

 

3. Thaler. Thaler is awesome. He is the best character in the game up until now. Thaler single-handedly turns THE WITCHER into a compelling story-based RPG. He makes all the fiddlyfucking around in the first two chapters wurf it. He gives Geralt motivation and a true sense of what is happening in the game. I kept checking back with him throughout Chapter 3, hoping he’d say more.

 

"I bet you can't touch your elbows behind your back like THIS"

4. The cocktail party NEVER ENDS. No, really. Triss even goes home and sleeps at night, only to return to the party time and again. Vizima cocktail parties are hardcore, y’all.

 

That was fun. Yeah there’s some stuff I have to do, find some beacons or whatever, but that can wait. First I have to have sex with a vampire.

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, A CREATURE OF THE NIGHT. AWWWW YEAH LOOKIT THAT. I love this game.

 

"Mmmfer! Mhh Mwllfff nffer mmmfh mff mfhamffa!"

What’s that Triss? Evil Salamandra in the sewers/swamp/slums of Vizima? Yeah I can handle that, be back in a few ticks Love.

 

WAIIIIIIIT WAIT I’M SORRY I HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS WHORE FIRST, HER LIFE DEPENDS ON IT (MAYBE). (Ed. Note: She is an actual filthy soulless whore, that is not a misogynistic pejorative) (Honest!)

 

Christ on a salted peanut, Geralt is practically shooting blanks at this point.  He’s such a manwhore. (Ed. Note: Now that was a pejorative) Speaking of bad shooting, let’s talk about the BULLSHIT DICE GAME.

CDProjekt is so sly. They attach their minigames to quests and XP because they know what greedy sad little XP piggies we all are. So there’s this dice game. The rules are pretty simple. You see how long you can go without punching a hole in your monitor and if a bug is on your monitor when you eventually fail and you kill it, you win!

 

WHAT IS THIS ASSHOLE DOING? He’s about to get et by a goddamned werewolf, that’s what. Afterwards, Geralt watches a long movie about Geralt sort-of fighting the werewolf, then he tells the werewolf some crazy-ass shit because what the Hell else do you say to a werewolf after you battledance one to a standstill?

 

 

Guys named Radovid pretty much have to speak to salamanders through teleflowhozits. Good times! I like this game, hopefully I can finish it before THE WITCHER 3 ships.