PART 2: BLOWING MY WSAD

 

Man, I must have STUPID written all over my asshole. Someone must have hung a KICK ME sign over my penis. I am just hopeless. Einstein said the true definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. After I read that I stopped jacking off with a live marmot in my hand. But, as usual, I digress.

HL2 mod writers. Listen up. Quick tip from your uncle Bill. PUT YOUR HEAD IN A BAG AND FILL THE BAG WITH CARBURETOR CLEANER AND LIGHT A MATCH. ALL OF YOU SUCK. Except the Radiator guy, he’s cool.

I am never playing these fucking mods again. I’d rather stick my dick in a rock tumbler. OK I’m sort of fibbing, I stuck my dick in a rock tumbler anyway. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. No not the stone from the rock tumbler! Aiiieeee

Anyway. All of these mods suck but there is no way I am going to suffer through them and not relate my pain to you in excruciating detail. THUSLY:

 

The Tomb of Amun-Ra

I haven’t played Half-Life 2 in a million years and I still remembered which part of the game this stupid croof of poncept gamelet re-skinned. Motherfucker, you didn’t even take out the spots where headcrabs burrow out of the dirt and attack. IT IS THE TOMB OF AMUN HYPHEN RA, WHY ARE THERE HEADCRABS YOU IMBECILE. Oh, who cares.

It is impossible to complete this mod’s one stupid objective

This demo consists of boring Egyptian art and getting to kill 4 headcrabs and literally jack shit else. There’s a sarcophagus but it just lies there daring Kanye to put a pussy in it. FRIP RATING: zero

   

Quietus

Quietus, I’m jerkingus offus. Or whatever. This mod is a proof of concept like a couple of these are, which apparently means proof I have no concept of how to make a fun fucking game. I actually almost liked this one. It starts with you standing in the corner of a creepy little bedroom with a dead guy on the floor. OOOOOooooooOOOOOoooo. It has nice ambient music and an immediate sense of mystery and dread and then well who fucking knows because there is like no way out of the goddamned room and nothing does anything.

what

My favorite is the map on the wall, X MARKS THE SPOT! Except there ain’t shit where the X marks. Also there are two doors out and no, you can’t use them either. There is literally nothing to do in this mod, less than The Tomb of Amun Ra, which is quite the feat. FRIP RATING: 1 for the music

   

This is literally how Post-Script starts.

Post-Script

I have to give this mod credit. Most of these abortions masquerading as games make me feel little more than a mild simmering hatred for the demented morlocks who make them, but this one at least got me into actively despising its creator and everything it may have poisoned with its filthy existence.

Short version is the game such as it is consists of wandering through an extremely boring looking collection of buildings while obnoxious text appears on the screen in a nonstop dribble chastising you for, whatever, causing the apocalypse. WELL IF I DID MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHOW SOME GODDAMNED RESPECT, YOU GIBBERING CLOD.

PS I hate you. HA HA GEDDIT, PEE ESS? Die. FRIP RATING: 2

   

Centralia

I guess I sort of lied earlier on when I said none of these games were worth dried donkey spit on a hot rock, because Centralia ain’t all that bad. The exterior landscape is a little on the loopy side but the bulk of the game is down in an abandoned (OR IS IT? OOOoOOOOoooOO) mine which is laid out like every single mine in a movie or game, which is to say without any sense of logic or relative space. WHO GIVES A SHIT ANYWAY, I’M NOT HERE TO SPELUNK, I’M HERE TO F

This mod is also a proof of concept and this guy did it up right, because there’s actually you know shit you can do and parts of it were genuinely creepy. I’ll be first in line to play the finished version of this but ha ha we know these clowns never finish anything, that’s why they make HL2 mods instead of earning an honest living or curing ass lice. Naturally, for some mysterious reason this mod has the worst rating on Desura (ugh) of any mod I’ve played (6.6/10), even worse than the execrable Tedium (7.0). The fucking Tomb of Amun Duh got an 8.2! Fuck modders. FRIP RATING: 6

   

Red Avenue

Hey let me tell you, I don’t go near my girlfriend when she’s rollin’ down Red Avenue if you know what I mean, haw haw. Well it’s a really tricky street with lots of stop signs and she gets ticked off easily, what did you think I meant?

Red Avenue is a really goddamned boring mod with some simple puzzles, but hey at least there was shit to do. Like yank levers and push buttons and open gates and uhhhh oh yeah drag boxes around. It’s not the worst mod I played by far but the most fun I had in it was falling on the subway rail and getting electrocuted. Which was still more fun than Quietus, actually. FRIP RATING: 3

   

Decay

AW YEAH DECAY, THAT SHIT SOUNDS EDGY AS FUCK, I’M SLAMMING A DEW NO TWO DEWS AND IT’S GONNA BE FUCKIN SICK BRO AND

Wait, never mind, this mod is totally bullshit and dull as a box of Scott Joneses. Do I even need to say anything more than “You start the game as a baby?” I do? You guys are the worst.

OK how about this. The game is a, whatever, symbolic representation of our moribund lives from infancy to death. Yes there are the school years, where you are subjected to pointless puzzles and blah blah oh and there’s adulthood in a ruined creepy cube farm and so on and God come on already. Maybe life doesn’t suck, maybe you just suck at it, ever consider that Chauncey? Also fuck your terrible jumping puzzles, they blow and I hate you, I hope your boss at your terrible job caught you coding this piece of trash and fired you for it. FRIP RATING: 1

   

The Event in Village

Yes, you read that right in all its Engrishy glory. The Event in Village is obviously by some Russian dude since all the characters speak in Russian which is probably the best part of the game. Or maybe just one of the characters, since I didn’t actually talk to nor meet anyone else. There’s a vortigaunt street sweeper and several people who skedaddle through locked doors at the end of long streets but they don’t count because they’re just part of the almost-creepy atmosphere. I say almost because after the first 15 minutes it becomes clear exactly nothing is going to happen. You can’t enter any of the homes and they don’t care if you fart around in their backyards. Why would they, all you can do is maybe nick their bucket or tin can or some other useless object. Also there is no “they” so what the fuck am I babbling about.

I drive a Hummer? I deserve to die.

I loaded up Chapter 2 for laffs and was killed inside 30 seconds after being bumrushed by several headcrabs and other HL2 monsters armed only with ye olde crowbar. I didn’t see that coming! Ice Pick Lodge you ain’t, tovarich. FRIP RATING: Borscht

   

Obscura

Obscura is some bullshit game where you relive the past memories of a retard. Or maybe a dog, are dogs the animals that can’t see in 3D? Or is that just bullshit? Speaking of bullshit, fart

Fuck off Batman I have to snap my fingers

Game play consists of entering various mind-bogglingly bland rooms where, in order to progress through the game, you have to move objects around and then magically switch them by snapping your fingers and no, I have no fucking clue what that means. I’ll be honest, I just flat fucking gave up on this bomb when I couldn’t move a tree out of a school room into a courtyard using the chalkboard and two desks and aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrggghhhhhhhh FRIP RATING: :GNITAR PIRF

   

Underhell

This mod doesn’t even deserve to be in this list for a few reasons. One, it’s quite polished and clearly is the result of a lot of development time. Two, it’s not really all that frippy. The first chapter is, though. You clomp around in your house finding diary pages and solving simple puzzles, I mean you can’t get much frippier than fucking missing diary pages.

Then, WHAM-O, chapter 2 has you trying to headshot terrorists with a shitty sniper rifle and whatnot. I bet you can guess exactly when and where I bailed from this game! So, I can’t really offer a full review because I fucking suck at twitchy shooty things. Chapter one was sorta fun, though, I guess, but like a lot of these games, the creepiness wears off after you realize there ain’t shit gonna happen, kind of like when a clown decides not to rape you and kills itself instead. I mean you’d just have to be reaching to think a dead clown was going to suddenly leap up and kill y