PART 4: WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH.

 

That’s the stuff right there. Anyway, the last two chapters of THE WITCHER were pretty sweet. Chapter 4 takes place on an island. I think. With another smaller island. I should pay better attention to critical dialogue.

 

THEN AGAIN IT’S MOSTLY GIBBERISH SOMETIMES. That’s not fair, though. This dude is the best. How can you not want to hang out with the Voidyani priest who invented steampunk? Those goggles are the shit. He instructs me to go visit The Dryad Queen (aw yeah) and then investigate the Village of Boobs.

 

The gist here is that the blonde is getting married and something something so the sister is jealous and to solve this dilemma, Geralt has sex with her. No, really! That’s Alexander Solves the Gordian Knot type thinking there. Berengar shows up and accuses me of cockblocking:

 

“Aw come on, man. How much ass do you require? OK, fine, you can have those two just save me the Dryad Quee-“

 

Sayyyyy...

“GODDAMMIT GERALT! You are the worst. I’ll be in a cave or something. UNLESS YOU HAD SEX WITH ALL THE CAVES TOO, YOU ALBINO DEGENERATE.”

 

BITCHES BE ON FIRE, YO. After some spoooOOOooOooky whining about a dude or whatever, God the problems these backwoods yokels have, Geralt realizes he can’t have sex with her, bangs a tree instead and bails.

 

 

Then he thinks over what complete and utter hillbillies these people are and burns everything down and makes awesome wicked threats, AND WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, JETHRO. Peace out, I’m getting knighted by the Dryad Queen.

 

Aw yiss. Thusly ends Chapter 4, sort of. There’s a bit about a Fish God and a cow but really, who cares. Here’s hoping Chapter 5 is as fun and carefree as Chapter 4!

   

Oh. Well then.

 

HOLY PENIS EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE AND SHIT. Goddamn I love this game. Tom Ohle, (head guy of Evolve, CDProjekt’s PR firm) must have wet himself when the CDProjekt guys were giving him the lowdown on the game. “ANYWAY, IN CHAPTER 4 YOU HAVE LOTS OF MEANINGLESS SEX . THEN IN CHAPTER 5 EVERYONE GETS HUNG FROM TREES AND SET ON FIRE!” Hell yes.

 

Way back in an earlier chapter Geralt had to choose between two hot pieces of ass in a rather lamentable but admirably mature fashion. Since Chapter 5 is mostly a nonstop bummer, Shani shows back up to disapprove of Geralt’s life in general. Geralt’s got nothing, so he just slumps his brawny shoulders, nods his chiseled jaw, and then BANGS AN ELF WARRIOR.

 

AWWW SHIT, THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE.  Lots of big showdowns going down as the game nears its conclusion. But they’re mostly cool and fun and not very difficult or bullshit like they are in most RPGs I AM LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU, DEUS EX HUMAN REVOLUTION, RIGHT IN YOUR FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE

 

No idea what was going on here. OH WAIT YEAH NOW I REMEMBER, werewolf sex. Of course.

 

AW, SOMEONE THREW AWAY A PEFECTLY GOOD REDHEAD. This game. This game. Onto the Epilogue, which is oddly named as it also has the climax in it. YEAH, HA HA, CLIMAX JOKE GOES HERE, shut up.

 

I don’t want to spoil the ending, but it’s PISS-ASS EASY. Holy shit did I pass out from huffing too much ether and switch the game from Normal difficulty to We’ll Change Your Diaper, Baby Num Nums because this is literally the easiest end run in any RPG I have played ever. And I loved it. Chistibibbles, I effing hate how long the end run of RPGs typically are. By then I’m tired of the game and can’t wait for it to end so just make it easy so I can move on.

 

OH GOD FOLTEST WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOOOOOOO just kidding. In summation, THE WITCHER was a great goddamned game and you should play it and not be a giant oscillating queefslice just because the early chapters are haaaard, mommeeeee because hardcore RPGs are dead and this is the next best thing by a country mile. Dare I say it was…SPREADSHEET WORTHY? OH I DARE.

 

Get some. That’s all for now gang, toodles!